Topic: Joke Thread

[AR10ER]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
 
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
 
So God agreed......
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
 
And God agreed......
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
 
And God agreed again......
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."
 
But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
 
"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."
 
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
 
Life has now been explained to you.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

[GrayWolf]

The train was quite crowded as a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My precious little Fifi  is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.  The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!"

[Steve N]

Bike Humor
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
 
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?"
 
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
 
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
 
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. 
 
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
 
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
 
 
 

[fj40mojo]

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for  Bear Removers. So he calls the number, and the bear removers says he'll be over in about 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van, with an extension ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pitbull. What are you going to do the home owner asks.  I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bulll is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van. He then hands the shotgun to the home owner. What's the shotgun for?

Just in case the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog . . .

[agunforeachhand]

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

[J Mack]

    I.Q. question

     

    You are walking along holding an umbrella for your wife.  You approach a gate with an

    obstruction above it made of steel.

    Choose one:



    a.  You should lower the umbrella, close the umbrella, pass the umbrella through the gate and open it on the other side.



     

    b.  You should leave the umbrella open and pass it over the top of the obstruction and

    continue on the other side.



     

    c.  You should continue to hold the umbrella in the same position because a metal solid will pass through another metal solid unobstructed.  It’s a law of physics.



     

    d.  You should resign because you are too dumb to hold a public office.



     

    See below . . . .

[agunforeachhand]

 

[ballardw]

Found on Cast Boolits forum:

Teacher arrested at airport
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

- It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

I don't run into many good Math related jokes in the general populace.

[Jeff]

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[silver]

 Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ? What does it mean to give MORE than 100% ? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103% ? What makes up 100% in life ?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[El Conquistador]

Last weekend we stopped in to see our dyslexic friend, and found him in the garage rubbing shoe polish on his johnson. When I asked what the heck he was doing he said "I'm getting ready for daylight savings time."
 I said "No, no, no....your supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK."

[XDMHMMWV]

I know this has been up a bazillion times, but someone at the party wanted to see it.

ARMY RANGER DATE

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the
day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before"
for
dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to
make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat.
Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories.
Here's
what
I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King,
and
eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/re
hydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan,
sautéed
in
shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles,
and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass
pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork
chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE
cheese
(kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly
thingys
from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on
it,
it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up,
added
five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of
Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the
packet
says that). It looked like an eerie kool aid with sparkles in it (that
was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the
middle,
and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that
stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me
over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of
MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw
the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the
meal,
she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking
that
I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert,
she
squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh?
Chocolate
what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS
to
make...yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself
to
use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself
"uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned
to
the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
retreated
to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the
hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shock waves into the
porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit
on
the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to
her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door,
and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me
laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and
said
"I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave
her
an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner,
because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
and
showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000
calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously,
and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years
ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off
without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh** for 3
days,
and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
smell it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working
out
nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me
to
cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there
to
inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and
said
that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date.
She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom
while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an a***ole, but it was still a funny night.

[RGinIdaho]

Lesbian version of Broke Back Mtn is coming soon;

Broke Back Mountain II, The Fur Traders