Author Topic: Joke Thread (Read 13717 times)

fj40mojo · « **Reply #25 on:** May 23, 2009, 08:23:57 AM »

Can't help putting R. Lee's voice in for the crusty old SgtM. Good one.

jard · « **Reply #26 on:** May 26, 2009, 02:58:05 PM »

The children began
to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green.................Lime

Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher
gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
Of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and Yelled, 'Oh my god! They're
ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

fj40mojo · « **Reply #27 on:** May 30, 2009, 04:02:01 PM »

The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners
burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

fj40mojo · « **Reply #28 on:** May 31, 2009, 07:55:11 AM »

The Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds 'It's really cool.If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

e11charlie · « **Reply #29 on:** June 02, 2009, 06:23:24 PM »

This is helarious the Idaho Barbie dolls

http://dadintheheadlights.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/idaho-special-edition-barbie-dolls/

eddymunster · « **Reply #30 on:** June 04, 2009, 01:51:21 PM »

What's the difference between a refrigerator and your girlfriend?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

9Shooter · « **Reply #31 on:** June 05, 2009, 09:48:28 AM »

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba , who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Bubba

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bubba.

e11charlie · « **Reply #32 on:** June 05, 2009, 03:55:15 PM »

That's is hilarious.

hawkiye · « **Reply #33 on:** June 05, 2009, 11:03:14 PM »

Logic

Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing ; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."
"Then you're a queer.

El Conquistador · « **Reply #34 on:** June 07, 2009, 06:30:51 PM »

So Dave is out pheasant hunting, drops a nice rooster but it falls on the far side of a farmers fence. Well the old farmer happens to be right there, hops off his tractor, picks up the pheasant, and starts back to his tractor. Dave says " Hey there, I just shot that pheasant, do you think I could have it?" The farmers says "Well it landed on my land, so its rightfully mine". Dave protests some more untill the old farmer says "Theres just one way to settle this, we're gonna kick each other in the nuts till one of us gives up. Then the winner gets the bird". Well Dave isnt too eager about this but he agrees. The farmer says "Since its my land and I have the pheasant, I get the first kick". He rears back in his big work boots, and lets one fly that would make a place kicker jealous. After about five minutes of cofing and cussing, Dave gets back on his feet and says "OK old man, now its my turn".
The farmer says, "Naw, I give up, you keep it".

ballardw · « **Reply #35 on:** June 12, 2009, 08:55:32 PM »

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories-Scientists believe they have found the foundation of entropy.

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has recently discovered a new element. Governmentium (Gv), the heaviest element yet detected, is comprised of one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 89 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Gv can slow a microsecond-range reaction to at least 4 days and as long as 4 years. Gv has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.

Gv does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Gv's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization changes more morons into neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothesized characteristic is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Ad), an element that increases entropy in the same manner as Gv, despite having half the number of peons, but twice the number of morons.

fj40mojo · « **Reply #36 on:** June 21, 2009, 06:32:48 PM »

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand !
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOB SECURITY

The maid wanted a pay increase and the wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about her request.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria : 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria : 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria : 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria : 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are....'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?!'

Maria : 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So, how much of a raise do you want?!'

duckkiller88 · « **Reply #37 on:** June 22, 2009, 12:20:06 PM »

Why do little girls put fish in there pockets?

So they can smell like mommy.

What do you call an 80 pound high school girl with a yeast infection?

A Quater pounder with cheese.

fj40mojo · « **Reply #38 on:** June 22, 2009, 10:58:18 PM »

Lucky cat!

[attachment=1]

fj40mojo · « **Reply #39 on:** June 27, 2009, 08:50:25 AM »

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat

NGO · « **Reply #40 on:** July 27, 2009, 11:28:56 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5_Msrdg3Hk&feature=related

birddog1989 · « **Reply #41 on:** July 30, 2009, 11:01:10 AM »

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day....
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

Kid Sopris · « **Reply #42 on:** July 30, 2009, 11:24:37 AM »

COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly into the house, he says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Bessie looks up and says, "What's different Ray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

fj40mojo · « **Reply #43 on:** July 30, 2009, 12:33:49 PM »

This is horrible, but I can't help myself.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is widely known that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life..

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"freeze a jolly good fellow."

Hey, I don't write this stuff, I just pass it along!!!

birddog1989 · « **Reply #44 on:** July 30, 2009, 02:31:05 PM »

Ah, booo

J Mack · « **Reply #45 on:** August 02, 2009, 05:56:39 PM »

I'm speechless

http://wildammo.com/2009/07/27/unusual-paintings-of-obama-naked-with-unicorns/

Jeff · « **Reply #46 on:** August 02, 2009, 06:18:37 PM »

[attachment=1]

fj40mojo · « **Reply #47 on:** August 02, 2009, 09:29:36 PM »

Quote from: J Mack on August 02, 2009, 05:56:39 PM

I'm speechless

http://wildammo.com/2009/07/27/unusual-paintings-of-obama-naked-with-unicorns/

I'm not going to see where that link may take me, and I don't wanna know what you were doing there.

e11charlie · « **Reply #48 on:** August 02, 2009, 11:34:59 PM »

good choice fj dont look. I made a little throw up.

NGO · « **Reply #49 on:** August 04, 2009, 05:33:28 PM »

Letter to Hinkley from N Reagan

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that
to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter
from Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley
reports to have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want
you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against
you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the
mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We
are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your
family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging
Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Author Topic: Joke Thread (Read 13717 times)

duckkiller88

Kid Sopris