Author Topic: Joke Thread (Read 13717 times)

fj40mojo · « **on:** May 06, 2009, 05:56:02 AM »

Here's a couple to get it going

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far.."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks Bruce is adorable.
*********************************************************************

Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale . He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Miss_me · « **Reply #1 on:** May 06, 2009, 09:50:58 AM »

I recently asked my friend 's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow!...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my yard and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Shortmag · « **Reply #2 on:** May 06, 2009, 10:40:36 AM »

two guys walk into a bar.

you'd think the second guy would've ducked.

Vern · « **Reply #3 on:** May 06, 2009, 12:23:51 PM »

whats the diff between boy m&m's and girl m&m's??

boys have Nuts!

Shortmag · « **Reply #4 on:** May 06, 2009, 01:59:47 PM »

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

-lickalottapus

what do you call a gay dinosaur?

-megasoreass

Michael N · « **Reply #5 on:** May 06, 2009, 04:47:29 PM »

Stupid animal joke of the day ..... A baby seal walks into a club .

e11charlie · « **Reply #6 on:** May 06, 2009, 04:49:50 PM »

I would tell one but the only ones I know are the ones that make sailors blush. Dont want to offend anyone.

TrooperBrian · « **Reply #7 on:** May 06, 2009, 07:28:42 PM »

What do you call a room full of lesbians and Obama supporters?

A bunch of people who don't do dick.

Miss_me · « **Reply #8 on:** May 07, 2009, 04:58:34 PM »

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know
there is not enough money?

________________________________

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

________________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

________________________________

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

________________________________

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all
right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really
hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

________________________________

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

________________________________

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

ExpnsiveToys23 · « **Reply #9 on:** May 07, 2009, 05:07:39 PM »

where are the answers?

TrooperBrian · « **Reply #10 on:** May 07, 2009, 07:13:51 PM »

Quote from: ExpnsiveToys23 on May 07, 2009, 05:07:39 PM

where are the answers?

I think they are those questions that aren't really supposed to have answers, but could be just as easily answered.

TrooperBrian · « **Reply #11 on:** May 07, 2009, 10:30:38 PM »

Quote from: Miss_me on May 07, 2009, 04:58:34 PM

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know
there is not enough money?

Because people don't just jump bank accounts and will eventually have to pay it back.

________________________________

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Would you like to count four billion stars?

________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

He shaves?
________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Because bullets bounce off Superman. Have you ever been hit in the face with a revolver?
________________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

They don't ALWAYS have to crash into something, they must communicate somehow..
________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why are there silent letters in anything?
________________________________

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is there still water? Why are there still bacterium? Just because something evolves doesn't mean the older species dies off.
________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

People don't take baths to be dyed different colors.
________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Have you seen the economy lately?
________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

There are a lot of things in a fridge. You won't see all of them at once.
________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Because its a vacuum. Its what it does.
________________________________

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

If you answer this, you have solved the universe.
________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Bugs hatch.
________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all
right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really
hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Humans naturally exhibit psychological altruism, so if they're happy, then you're happy. Even if its not.
________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Because you're a moron?
________________________________

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

Because you live on planet EARTH.
________________________________

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Because the father in law isnt crazy.

fj40mojo · « **Reply #12 on:** May 08, 2009, 05:49:51 AM »

TB,
Post a joke, that's what the thread is for.

WTF · « **Reply #13 on:** May 15, 2009, 11:25:42 AM »

Couple of Good ones.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

e11charlie · « **Reply #14 on:** May 15, 2009, 02:39:11 PM »

Holy crap WTF I would not doubt those are your true life experiences. You writing a book?

fj40mojo · « **Reply #15 on:** May 15, 2009, 04:01:19 PM »

WTF · « **Reply #16 on:** May 15, 2009, 07:59:34 PM »

Quote from: 240-Rifles on May 15, 2009, 02:39:11 PM

Holy crap WTF I would not doubt those are your true life experiences. You writing a book?

No, but I may have experienced a couple of those moments in the past, but it is a copy and paste job, so I can take any credit.

El Conquistador · « **Reply #17 on:** May 16, 2009, 08:21:54 PM »

Skeleton walks into a bar, sez "give me a shot, a beer, and a mop"

TylerC · « **Reply #18 on:** May 20, 2009, 10:51:30 AM »

A leper walks into a pub and sits down across from this old guy and orders a drink. this leper has sores all over his body big open nasty sores. About ten minutes after he sits down the old guy gets up and runs to the bathroom. When he gets back the leper says to him. "you know I'm sorry for how I look. I know its bad but I can't help it." The old guy responds " Its not you don't sweat it." five or so minutes pass and the old guy pukes all over the floor. This time the leper apologises and offers to buy him a drink. the old guy says "honestly its not you." the leper roughly asks "then what is it" old guy goes "well this guy behind you keeps dipping his pretzels into the sore on your neck"

fj40mojo · « **Reply #19 on:** May 20, 2009, 03:46:07 PM »

EEEEUUUUWWW!!!! I puked a little in my mouth on that one.

What do you call a Leper in a Jacuzzi? Stu.

A rope goes into a bar and sits down. The bar tender takes one look at him and runs him out of the place saying "We don't serve your sort around here!" So, the rope goes outside, gets himself all worked into a knot and half unraveled and then goes back in. Immediately the bartender stops him and asks "Aren't you the rope I just ran outta here?" and he replies, "No, I'm afraid not"

e11charlie · « **Reply #20 on:** May 20, 2009, 03:55:01 PM »

I agree with the mini throw-up but that was no call for a joke like that fj

TylerC · « **Reply #21 on:** May 20, 2009, 11:19:02 PM »

This one i heard from an INL redneck computer nerd.

A trucker hauling computer parts through the south stops to have a drink in a little town in texas. he walks into the bar and sits down. bartender asks " Are Ya one of dem computer nerds" trucker says "no I'm a trucker just got into town" bartender gives him a drink. bout ten minutes later a computer nerd walks into the bar. Bartender pulls a gun from under the counter and shoots the nerd deader than hell. so the trucker asks " why did you shoot that man?'' bartender says "computer nerds are in season right now" so the trucker finishes his beer and heads to the wallmart and buys himself a hunting liscense, and heads down the road. about twenty miles down the highway he spills his trailer and spreads computer parts all over the hillside. so as he is sitting there waiting for the tow truck to come he see's three nerds stop their geo metro jump out and start grabbing computer parts. the trucker shoots all three of them dead. well about this same time the local game warden just happened to be in the area and stops to check this truckers liscense. everything seems to check out but the warden starts writing mr trucker man a ticket. the trucker starts hollering at says "I didn't do anything wrong these nerds are in season!" the warden responds "Yes they are. But you cant bait em!"

fj40mojo · « **Reply #22 on:** May 21, 2009, 08:44:52 AM »

Here is a bunch!

A West Virginia couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some
cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

EARL AND BUBBA ARE QUIETLY SITTING IN A BOAT FISHING.�
THEY ARE CHEWING TOBACCO AND DRINKING BEER.�
BUBBA SAYS, "I THINK I'M GONNA DIVORCE MY WIFE."�
"SHE AIN'T SPOKE TO ME IN OVER 3 MONTHS."

EARL SPITS, SIPS HIS BEER AND SAYS,�
"BETTER THINK IT OVER:"�
"WOMEN LIKE THAT ARE HARD TO FIND."

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,and then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests,"Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'and 'yes, go on,' and 'I
understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,

"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and
saying, "No shit... what happened next?

A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and
inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead!

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation -What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate
You won't have worms!'

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their
Stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies
Saved. Then the teacher realized only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Cathy. She was a pilot
In Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
Territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
Survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
Then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 moslem terrorists.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed
Four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Terrorist with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell
You was the moral to this horrible story?

'Stay away from Aunt Cathy when she's been drinking.'

e11charlie · « **Reply #23 on:** May 21, 2009, 10:59:20 AM »

Those make up for the last one fj

ballardw · « **Reply #24 on:** May 22, 2009, 09:48:31 PM »

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,"It looks like you have seen a lot of action.."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,said,"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said,"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955"! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

After wards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Author Topic: Joke Thread (Read 13717 times)

Michael N